It’s days like today I feel incredibly torn. On Tuesday classes begin again and I feel a load of pressure and sadness and happiness all at the same time. I just don’t know how I should feel.
Sitting on the couch with my almost 3-year-old son on one side and my year-and-a-half old daughter on the other, both smiling and laughing and just being cute, I felt a swell of happiness. That happiness was a little bitter-sweet when I realized that in just a few days it would end. I would only see my kids at night and on the weekends. My weekdays will soon be consumed by classes and coursework and tutoring. I love my babies and I love spending time with them. There is another part of me that is happy for the break. Does that make me terrible? I love being around my babies, but it gets tiring all day every day. I don’t know how stay-at-home moms who homeschool their kids do it. It makes me feel guilty to feel this way too because in just a few short years they will be in school (and I won’t be anymore) and then I will be home alone (another thing I can’t handle). Then I think about how I might actually be able to get real writing done then.
This thought leads me down a whole other path of thoughts. Why does it feel like, even though I’ve been writing all summer, I haven’t written anything at all? Because I’m blogging. Blogging won’t get me what I want. But I love blogging. I love sharing a piece of myself with the world. Sometimes my blog posts help others, sometimes they don’t. Still, I have a series to organize and a historical fantasy fiction book to prepare for. I just never seem to have the time. Life keeps putting things in my way. Or maybe I’m projecting. Maybe this is a writers way of procrastinating. Regardless of where the fault lies, the fact is there is no progress on any of my fiction.
Yes I said it. I know some of you reading this are probably disappointed in this fact. Especially after my post-GenCon enthusiasm. While I have a clearer path on what I want to accomplish and how, I just haven’t had the time to start. It seems that I should follow my own advice and just write. Real writers write after all.
There is a part of me that wants to just get started on something fiction now but with school only a few days away I’m afraid it will get forced to the wayside.
My fellow writers, tell me I’m not alone. What keeps you from writing what you want to write?